- You ever feel like you're in a room of people that are supposed to be your people but they don't feel like your people?

Or the things they relate to aren't the things that you relate to?

The tea that they're spilling isn't the tea that you relate to, or it makes you feel uncomfortable?

That's loneliness.

Loneliness is the subjective feeling state of being alone, separated, or apart from others and has been conceptualized as an imbalance between desired social contacts and actual social contacts.

- That sounds pretty clinical.

Maybe we can get some help with this.

Katie Morton, who is a licensed therapist a YouTube sensation, and an all around expert in the field of mental wellness.

Katie, thank you first and foremost for being here.

- Of course, thanks for having me.

- Now, big question off the bat, what exactly is loneliness, how do you define it?

- I would define loneliness as when we feel sad, or upset about our isolation, which means that really what we need socially we're not getting.

Not everyone is upset by being socially isolated.

I know that sounds wild but like you can think of people who are more on the introverted side of things, need more alone time actually might prefer to be more socially isolated.

Not to mention I have, you know, many patients over the years who kind of prefer that.

And you can attach that to a mental illness if you want but some people just prefer it.

However, loneliness is when the social need that we have isn't being met.

So each and every one of us are gonna have different levels of what's needed and we'll have different, I guess, ability to weather maybe periods of less social interaction.

- Okay, that clears things up a little.

But fun fact, loneliness isn't new.

There's a theory that suggests loneliness evolved as a survival mechanism, or signal in the brain which told our early ancestors to group up for safety.

And thank God because some of these folks make you wanna be alone.

(clapping and chuckling) - If we were in cave man days, we would need each other to survive either number one for warmth, right?

If it got really cold.

Number two, if you're out hunting, I need to be gathering.

There are different roles that need to be taken and it's almost like the old adage, like it takes a village to raise a child, right?

It takes a village to survive.

We technically need each other for survival in many ways.

And so, really our nervous system is telling us, "You need to connect with people."

This is part of how we survive and thrive.

- Absolutely.

Humans, by our very nature, alongside a lot of other animal species are social creatures.

We crave connectedness.

Now, on the flip side, one evolutionary theory suggests that chronic loneliness could give someone the perception that social environments are not safe, or helpful, like with issues for bullying, or toxic threats on Reddit.

People just inherently wanna stay away from them.

- This can happen for many reasons, but the two most common are trauma responses and attachment.

And I'll speak to trauma responses really quick is when we've been traumatized our body's whole goal is to keep us safe, right?

Our nervous system is looking at our environment for any threat because if there is a threat it needs to ready us to take action, right?

So if it's doing that and we get harmed then it automatically connects to that kind of situation like, well, that's dangerous, we don't wanna do that.

And so, we pull back from that.

Then it starts to say, "Well, that makes me a little nervous "if we even get close to something similar."

And slowly but surely things don't feel safe anymore.

People don't feel safe anymore, certain interactions don't feel safe anymore and our world can get really small.

And that can cause us to not wanna engage.

On that other end, the attachment piece, when we were first born, the first year of our life is very important for connection with a caregiver.

And that connection kind of sets us up, it's like a blueprint for how we're gonna interact with the world.

Now, if our caregiver, let's say, had their own mental illness, or had addiction issues, or worked a lot, we can feel like we can't count on them.

Relationships don't feel safe, right?

If I'm upset, I don't know someone's gonna come and care for me therefore, as I grow up, and I wanna go out and see people, I'm like, "I don't wanna do that.

"That doesn't feel good, I don't know "if they're gonna show up for me in the way I want."

It can feel like a risk that we aren't sure emotionally we can handle.

- And we call that a paradox, someone craving social interaction but feeling turned away by it at the same time.

And that feeling can feel like an impossible trap.

- And even though loneliness is not a medical diagnosis it can have very real effects on your health.

- Yeah, actually, when we have prolonged loneliness what we're really talking about is that we're not getting any connection with other people.

And what that does is it wears down our resilience which is really just a fancy way of saying our ability to weather life's storms.

Therefore, it can lead to increased depression, which I think we can kind of see that correlation pretty obviously, as well as anxiety.

And then, I've seen this online and with my patients over the years is it can increase our suicidal ideation as well as suicide attempts.

- And those health concerns are difficult to pin down because being lonely isn't a diagnosis you'll find in the DSM V. Feelings of loneliness often present a challenge associated with mental health diagnoses, like depression and anxiety, but it's not a actual diagnosis itself.

- In therapy, what that looks like is tracking the thoughts that we have so pay attention to the 5 to 10 most common things that you think that are negative about you and your relationship with others.

And then, I'm gonna work with you to try to put together what I call bridge statements, because we can't go from like dumpster fire island to like lollipop's ice cream cone, right?

We're not gonna believe like everybody loves me.

That fake it 'til you make it stuff statistically in research, it doesn't work.

So we're gonna build a bridge between the two.

And bridge statements are things like, "Mm, it's possible "that I'm not 100% correct that everybody hates me."

Now I know you're like "That doesn't sound positive at all."

But trust me when I tell you, you'll feel the difference because the maybes and the possiblies will shake us out of this fact, this is true, which when we believe those things and we keep telling ourselves those things those are the kind of beliefs we act out of.

- Thankfully, there's also an assessment for loneliness the UCLA 3-Item Loneliness Scale.

- The assessment asks three basic questions.

How often do you lack companionship?

How often do you feel left out?

And how often do you feel isolated?

Now these three questions are weighted on a scale that generally uses three response categories: hardly ever, some of the time, and often.

Add up the score and you might have a better idea of where you stand with loneliness.

- It's not a perfect science.

The test does have some limitations, but it has been widely used to better gauge feelings of loneliness.

So you take the test, you get your score, what do you do next?

- That's the tricky part.

Due to its subjective nature, loneliness doesn't have a quick fix.

But much like diagnosable mental illnesses there are some steps you can take to cope and better manage the condition.

- Step one, acknowledge those feelings of loneliness.

Though it might be difficult, try talking to a friend, or family member about how you're feeling.

And definitely consider talking to a therapist.

- I think that that acknowledgement piece is really big and I think for some people it might be too big upfront to be like, "I'm lonely."

I think the first step is to just assess your level of social interaction and how you feel about it.

Just consider how you're doing and if you'd like to do more, let's make an effort to try to do that.

Maybe once a week throw out a text, or a call and try to get that scheduled.

- Step two, let's talk about your phone and social media use, if you're scrolling through your accounts and feeling left out or inadequate, it's time to put down the phone.

Many in the US and the UK view the increased use of technology as a major reason why people are lonely or socially isolated.

And that's me, when I see people in Miami or Mexico, I'm like, "Take me with you."

But that's not the belief held by everyone.

In Japan, fewer people believe that technology is the issue.

- One of my favorite quotes is, "Comparison is the thief of joy."

And so, it's like if we're looking out at other people doing all these amazing things then we're thinking, "Well, I'm not doing those," and we can think poorly about ourselves, which can make it harder for us to reach out.

Well, you can see how it snowballs so quickly and we can feel like, "I'm missing out, "I'm not getting that, I'm not doing that thing," and we end up staying at home not interacting at all.

- Step three, volunteer, get involved.

Contributing to something bigger than yourself can improve your health and ease feelings of loneliness.

- Volunteering's a great way to not only give back to your community, but it's also like pre-set up connection.

You get two in one when you volunteer.

They always say like, "I always feel like "I get more out of it than I give."

And I think that that's probably why, you know, we find volunteering to be so effective when treating loneliness because not only are you connecting with other people, but you feel like you're a member of your community and you're able to impact it positively.

It gives you all the good feels.

- Step four, self-care.

Now, you've heard this from us many times in the past and we cannot stress the importance enough.

But a healthy diet, good sleep, hygiene, exercise, sunshine, all of this will do wonders for your health.

These are things that you can do to help with feelings of loneliness, but what needs to happen culturally to shift this alarming trend?

What do we all need to do?

Or is every successive generation just doomed to be lonelier and lonelier?

- I do know that younger generations are much more likely to report mental illnesses, or struggles with their mental health than older generations just due to beliefs, and stigma and even them being open to answering questions about that truthfully.

Everybody working from home, I don't think is good.

Essentially, we're encouraging people to not connect.

And I know it might be easier, not everybody's able to do it but for people who can return, I think it's good for us, like mental health wise.

I know clothing wise, and like stress, and commute it's not as nice and it's not as easy.

But I think that's something that people can encourage at the workplace.

Thought leaders and the people who are actually in charge of stuff like that can ensure that we are encouraging connection, support, all the things we've been talking about versus, you know, just trying to Whac-A-Mole all the bad things.

- So you're saying there's a chance, but it's gonna take a lot of work and a complete overhaul of some ingrained and sensitive cultural values.

- Remember, millions of people are dealing with loneliness and how one person deals with loneliness could be completely different than how another person deals with it.

Be sure to talk to your therapist or counselor to help you find something that works best for you.

Remember, it's individual.

So Katie, thank you so much for all of your info and all of your tips.

We hope that everyone leaves this with so much information about how we can all help each other with loneliness.

So thank you, again, Katie.

- Of course, thanks for having me.

And just remember everybody, you're not alone in this.

- Follow and look at Katie Morton on YouTube because we can all help each other with this loneliness thing, we all have it, no one's exempt.

- In an effort to use our platform to connect with all of you, because that's the point, tell us below how you're dealing with loneliness, or how you've dealt with it in the past.

We want to acknowledge what all of you are going through.

- All right guys, that's it for today.

But tell us what you think in the comments and make sure to like and follow us at PBS Vitals.

And if you're lonely, come talk to us in the comments, we want friends too.

We love you and we love communicating with you.