[Wilbert Harrison's "Let's Stick Together" playing] ♪ Good morning, gentlemen.

♪ Harrison: ♪ And now, the marriage vow is... ♪ [Inhales and exhales] My show, my terms.

I propose that we reunite, for the purposes of making Just Barbara.

And as Britain's topmost comedy writers, we also have some terms... And some conditions... that will need to be met.

that will also need to be met.

More pay.

Double the money.

Photographs of our faces to appear on the screen credits.

Like Galton and Simpson.

Caption before the show title.

Yeah, to read, "Bill Gardiner and Tony Holmes Present."

Anything else?

A slapup lunch.

Hmm.

And what do I get in return?

Some extremely well-crafted gags.

Quite well-crafted gags.

Well, thank you for outlining your terms, gentlemen.

I will take them into serious consideration.

♪ Right, done that.

Have whatever you like, lads.

It's good to have you back.

Hey!

Hey!

Eunice, bring on the biscuits.

♪ Bring on the... ♪ Smashing!

I'm starving.

Sophie: Oh, crumbs.

You chancers are lucky to have a job.

Thank you for the terms and conditions.

They are utterly ridiculous.

Now do get out.

[Clears throat] Thanks, boss.

Sorry to disturb.

Thank you so much.

Sorry, Ted.

Out.

Ooh!

Erma Franklin: ♪ I tell myself that I can't stand the pain ♪ ♪ But when you hold me in your arms ♪ ♪ I'll say it again ♪ ♪ So come on, come on ♪ ♪ Come on, come on ♪ ♪ And take it ♪ ♪ Take another little piece of my heart now, baby ♪ ♪ Hey, break it ♪ ♪ Break another little bit of my heart ♪ ♪ Now, baby ♪ ♪ You can have another ♪ ♪ Have another little piece of my heart now, baby ♪ ♪ You know you got it ♪ ♪ If it makes you feel good ♪ ♪ You're out on the streets... ♪ "Oh, yes, Ted.

Of course, Ted.

Can I lick your ass, Ted?"

Oh, give it a rest, Bill.

What were you doing?

Perhaps standing there thinking about shoes?

Ah, the old familiar Bill and Tony tang of fags, sweat, and desperation.

Excuse me.

I'm always expensively perfumed.

Well, he dowsed himself just for you, in eau de odor.

Great example there of a gag that only works on the page, Tony.

Here's one that only works on the finger, Bill.

So chaps, any thoughts on act one?

Bill: What, of the sitcom?

No, the Merchant of Venice.

Tony: Yeah, of course the fucking sitcom.

Bill: Alright, give us a chance.

Uh!

Dennis: I just thought I saw a piece of paper with words on it.

No, you must be thinking of this.

What's that, Tone?

Tony: It's from the Director General.

Oh, crikey, the Director General?

Yeah, it's just welcoming us back, but there are some new taste and decency rules for the old green book.

Oh.

Oh, great.

Tony: "Firstly, the word 'bottom' can now be used "only in the context of scraping barrels, "or to indicate the underside of an object, "not to describe the fleshy mounds "attached to a human nethers.

"This area will now be referred to "as 'upper leg lumps' or 'chunky backballs'."

"'Balls' must only be used "in the context of tennis, "but not in the context "of a gentleman's hairy baggage, "and 'nuts' must only be mentioned "as something you put in your mouth.

"We hope you will find these guidelines useful for your new shitcom."

"Just Bra-bra."

Bill: "Yours sincerely, Director General Sir Nigel Mingeworthy-Wankerton."

Well, I just--fwah.

Oh, wow.

Yes, that's very, very helpful.

But, lads, you-- Oh, you forgot his P.S.

at the end.

"I would also like to invite you all over to my house for drinks, where I will be serving my own mouthwatering cock--" Excuse me?

Tails!

Cocktails!

Heh heh heh!

Mm.

God.

Um, Sophie... would you like a cup of tea?

[Johnnie Taylor's "You Can't Get Away From It" playing] Yes, I would love a cup of tea.

Thank you, Dennis.

Taylor: ♪ You can't get away from it ♪ ♪ No matter how hard you try ♪ ♪ 'Cause if you really love someone ♪ ♪ You can't ever say good-bye ♪ ♪ Now, they can walk on you ♪ ♪ Lie about you ♪ ♪ Mistreat you, and then even doubt you... ♪ [Sweeper squeaking] You wanna put some oil on that, Marie.

It's like you're strangling a budgie.

She was right on the end of the telephone, and you couldn't rouse yourself to say hello?

Ach, you know it wasn't like that.

Well, what was it like?

She wanted to hear your voice, hear you say it was alright.

Well, I can't do that.

Ohh...

Didn't think it was that bad.

It was a bit cheeky chops, but it made me smile.

I'm not talking about the telly show, sister of mine.

I'm talking about what happened with her mother.

We decided-- You decided.

You know, I always warned you that all this cloak- and-dagger nonsense would come back to bite us on the bum side-- backside.

I didn't get a say.

Oh, change the bloody record, Marie.

I'm sorry that you never had a kiddie of your own.

I have made my peace with that, but I have not made my peace with-- Oh, you know, our Sophie, she doesn't have a clue what's going on.

Don't call her "our Sophie."

I will call her what I like.

She's our Barbara.

She's not our Barbara anymore.

We've lost her, and I miss her.

I miss her.

[Crying] And you think I don't?

[Gulls squawking] Tony: Alright, alright, alright, not that.

Right, um, what about this?

Barbara goes on a cookery course, finally meets the perfect fella 'cause he can cook, but he--he's not falling for her charms.

Nah, wouldn't happen.

Tony: Why not?

Some men are great in the kitchen.

No, that's not what I meant.

I meant the charm.

Bill: Sophie, you'll just have to tell us.

What is it like out there for a modern young woman?

Well, I'm not really out there.

I'm more out, but in.

I know the feeling.

Tony: Come on, Soph.

You've been with different fellas, and you've been engaged a couple of times.

Oh, my God, you make me sound like Elizabeth Taylor.

How many times she been divorced?

Five, six?

...teen?

Dennis: Yes, well, let's not shame a woman for being divorced.

Yes, alright, then, Den.

Come on.

What about you?

You must've done some catting around before you met Edith, hmm?

Dennis: I met Edith during fresher's week at Cambridge.

Oh.

"Hoh hoh hoh..." Oh.

"A-hoh hoh hoh hoh hoh hoh."

So there's actually a week where the students get fresh with each other?

Well, it's not that sort of fresh.

Bill: Exactly that kind of fresh from what I've heard.

Bill, why don't you tell us about your experiences?

Bill: All my experiences are going in my book.

You'll have to pay if you want to read about those.

Tony, what about you?

Tony: Well, thanks for asking, Bill.

I would love to share the personal aspects of my private life for you to rip the piss out of.

How about Barbara's just ended it with her boyfriend, and-- Bill: They have breakup sex or makeup sex.

Tony: Makeup sex?

Sex with makeup?

Is that a thing?

Bill: Oh, it's a thing.

Dennis: There's no sex going on at all.

Eddy Arnold: ♪ Make the world go away... ♪ Shall we just go for that slapup lunch?

Well... Alright, Tone, let's get on with it.

♪ Vernon: No, no, no, no, no.

The best punishment in Dante's Divine Comedy is the one inflicted on the gluttons-- [Laughter] pushed into a stinking pit of mud and watched over by a three-headed hound.

Now, that's funny!

Ha ha ha!

[Clears throat] Your ex could learn a thing or two about the classics.

Uh, I think Dennis is aware of the legacy.

I wish he were aware of the urgency of giving you a divorce.

Can't expect to be sitting here like a chump, twiddling my thumbs.

I'm sorry, Vernon.

It's not that simple.

I--Oh, goodness.

Bill: Right, where shall we park our asses?

♪ Arnold: ♪ Make the world go away... ♪ So... That's awkward.

Edith and Vernon Whitshit.

Vernon: Mahindra!

What are you doing standing there like a pillar of salt?

Den, you make a run for it, we'll cover it with dance.

We were just talking about Dante's Divine Comedy.

Sorry to hear about your own fall from grace on the other channel.

Well, it was hardly the fiery pit of hell.

[Clears throat] We were just thinking about doing a piece on Pipe Smoke, looking at modern comedy in the context of the classics.

Well, I'm sure everyone's looking forward to that.

We should have you on as a guest.

Oh, are we--are we sure about that?

I'm sure there are more qualified people than me to talk about that.

Yes, and we'll make sure they're on the program, too.

Ah.

Well, we should be getting on.

Show won't write itself.

Well, from what I've seen of the previous series, it certainly looked as if this one was making it up as she went along.

[Vernon chuckles] Arnold: ♪ And make the world go away ♪ Oh, I've got an appointment.

And we should get back to our editorial.

What do you say, Mahindra?

Continue this on air?

Join us on Pipe Smoke.

Defend modern comedy.

♪ Sophie: How am I going to bear working next to Den for months on end?

Maybe I should explore other options.

Hang on, you were only just banging on about how excited you were to be "back in the room" with Tony and Bill and Den.

Yeah, but it's not the same.

It's not fun.

Alright, it's work.

It's not supposed to be fun.

This is great.

I'm loving this.

Oi!

Oi!

Conflict.

What's that?

Where'd you get that?

What is that?

I can't get a job in front of the camera since I'm apparently too much of a risk, which, either means I'm too much of a woman or too much of a--not white, so I decided to seize the means of production and get behind it.

That's brilliant, Diane.

Thanks.

Oh, my God, she was at Pandy's party!

Diane: Lynda Jay?

Are you sure?

She was really nice.

We had a chat.

She gave me her number.

Sophie, she is a snake.

She's made a career taking other women down.

You didn't say anything.

No.

I mean, we did-- We talked about me dad, but obviously, I didn't say anything 'cause he's not even speaking to me, so I've no clue what's going on.

What's he trying to hide?

The whole thing's driving me doolally.

Have you thought about trying to find your mum?

Sophie: Oh, well, where would I even start?

All I know is she liked a bit of ballroom dancing.

I mean, what use is that?

Marj: It can't be that hard, though, can it?

Someone surely could find her.

Diane could have a dig, couldn't you?

I can't believe you said yes.

"Welcome to Pipe Smoke, the show where boring bastards blow smoke up other boring bastards' bumholes."

Oh, yeah.

"I'm Vernon Whitfart."

"I'm Vernon Fuckfield."

"I'm Vernon--" Chaps, chaps...

This whole "mispronouncing his name" thing, it's old hat.

His name is Venereal Whitfelch.

Pbbt!

Diane: Majorie, tell me about yourself.

What do you-- Like what?

My name is Marjorie.

I work in a-- I work in a shop in--in the shoes department.

And do you have a boyfriend?

I have a Roger.

And what does Roger do?

Well, plenty things, mostly carpentry.

So he's good with his hands?

[Snickers] Ha ha ha!

Do grow up, you two.

Oh, so go on.

Is it love?

I've never been in love before.

I mean, how would I know?

When you know, you know.

It's a really special feeling.

Ha ha ha!

I mean, I get a special feeling when Rog has a noodle in me nicknocks.

That's not love, is it?

Oh, Marjorie!

Marjorie!

What?

I mean, you do know it's a setup, right, Dennis?

That Pipe Smoke lot, they hated Jim & Barbara, they slagged it off every week, and he was really mean about Soph.

This is Dennis' right to reply, a head-to-head with Verble Wartcock.

Right, well, if you are going on national television, we need to get you kitted out.

Tony: In what, an asbestos suit?

No, no, no.

Dennis needs to make an impact, like Scarlett O'Hara in her red dress.

I think I'd look good in a red dress.

Ha ha ha!

Hmm.

Mm...no.

What you need... is a revenge suit.

Steve Marriott: ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ Small Faces: ♪ Whatcha gonna do?

♪ Marriott: ♪ Oh-- ♪ [Roy Orbison's "Oh, Pretty Woman" playing] ♪ Hey!

Oh!

Oi!

Watch out!

♪ My name is Mr. Edwards.

If you'd like to follow me, please.

♪ Orbison: ♪ Pretty woman walking down the street ♪ ♪ Pretty woman, the kind I like to meet... ♪ Don't mind.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Orbison: ♪ You're not the truth ♪ ♪ No one could look as good as you ♪ ♪ Mercy ♪ Needs more pizazz.

Next.

Orbison: ♪ Pretty woman, won't you pardon me?

♪ ♪ Pretty woman... ♪ Oh.

I like it.

He's not a cage dancer on Ready Steady Go!

Orbison: ♪ That you look lovely as can be... ♪ Bill: Very, uh... Johnny Morris in...

Animal Magic.

It needs to shout louder.

Orbison: ♪ Grrowww... ♪ Abracadabra.

I feel like I'm about to saw someone in half.

What about a suit in something like this, hmm?

Nothing shouts, "Passion," like purple.

Except for when it shouts, "Here comes the Pope."

Edwards: Nathan, go and fetch the purple rolls of silk to show Mr. Mahindra.

Orbison: ♪ Give your smile to me ♪ Yeah, I'll help.

Orbison: ♪ Pretty woman, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Pretty woman, look my way ♪ ♪ Pretty woman, say you'll stay with me ♪ ♪ 'Cause I need you ♪ ♪ I'll treat you right ♪ ♪ Come to me, baby ♪ ♪ Be mine toni-i-ight ♪ ♪ Pretty woman ♪ You're pushing your luck, mate.

It's Savile Row, not Hampstead Heath.

I wasn't gonna get busted in there.

I meant pushing it with me.

Soph got us back together.

We owe it to her to do a good job, right, but you're too busy getting tugged off in a tailor's.

Ugh, and everyone thinks you're the cuddly one.

Fuck off, mate.

I'm saying, we both need to get our heads in the game.

Hey, well, I'm trying.

It's hard with star-crossed lovers in the writers' room.

It's hardly a fun factory, is it?

I know, but if we don't step things up, Ted Sargent is gonna flush us and our scripts straight down the shitter.

OK, while you go home and step things up, I'm stepping off over there.

What, another one of your secret clubs?

No.

I'm having a drink with my literary agent to discuss what she calls my magnum opus.

Right, Bill, about this book... Mm?

You're not, you know, using real names and putting in personal details and that?

Yeah.

Yeah, there's a whole chapter all about you, Tone.

Is that a problem?

Marriott: ♪ How it's got to be ♪ Yeah.

Marriott: ♪ Yes, it's alright, all or nothing ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, all or nothing ♪ Come on.

Hot damn.

♪ All or nothing, yeah!

♪ ♪ All or--yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ I kept on singing to myself ♪ ♪ All or nothing, yeah, for me, yeah ♪ ♪ [Knocks on door] Come in.

Young lady for you, sir.

Please don't make it sound like I ordered one.

I'm so sorry to bother you.

And yet here you are.

I'm not sure if it tickles the tonsils or has an unexpected finish, but thank you for the other day on the phone.

I trust you got your way with Mr. Sargent.

I did.

Yes.

If you'll excuse me... Charming to see you, Sophie, but why are you here?

You said to stop by, so I'm stopping by.

OK, I'm running late, and you find me un peu déshabillé.

Un peu déshabillé.

Oui.

Vous parlez français?

Beg pardon?

Do you speak French?

I speak fluent American.

[New York accent] Say, Mr. Allen, let me fix ya a highball!

[Normal voice] I don't know what a highball is.

Give me that before you smash the stemware.

I want you to be my agent, please.

Unusually for you, Sophie Straw, your timing's off.

I have to be at Buckingham Palace 15 minutes ago.

Are you the Queen's agent?

Uh, I leave that to 007.

One of my Brit clients is getting a knighthood for services to the acting industry, though his services to the cocaine industry have been more significant.

Ho ho.

You didn't hear me say that.

No.

No.

OK. We'll talk next time I'm in town.

Oh.

OK.

I just-- Right.

Uh...heh.

[Chuckles] Damn it.

Sophie: It's right, over, left, and under.

Do you want me to-- Yeah.

In the States, they're on elastic.

The fishy comes through the hole to the bunny, and they kiss.

What happened?

Last time we met, you wanted to cement your name on the TV comedy walk of fame.

I--I do, I do, but I--I might need to explore some other options further afield, in a film, perhaps.

Might this be for personal reasons?

Oh, that would be very unprofessional.

Although that's something I can work with.

This movie, the lead actress dropped out suffering from exhaustion.

She's currently exhausted somewhere in the Caribbean, on top of Warren Beatty.

Mm.

They need a replacement.

Oh, I told you, I can't speak French.

Who cares?

You can do the accent.

Plus, all these Nouvelle Vague films, they're all about the pout.

Ooh.

Ooh!

Uh-uh.

No?

Looks like you're pushing a kidney stone, but not bad.

Can you get on a plane tonight?

Oh, I can't go and do a film right now.

Sophie, this business is 1% talent, 99% opportunity.

Are you saying I'm 1% talented?

I'm saying this is the opportunity.

Gillian Hills: ♪ Tut tut tut tut tut tut tut ♪ Put the booze kettle on, Marj.

Let me tell you about my day.

[Indistinct conversation and laughter] Sophie: Marj!

Marj, I feel like I'm trapped in one of me own worst nightmares.

What's the entire staff of Lewis Peters doing here?

Making placards.

Yeah, I can see that.

In aid of what?

For the equal pay picket that I keep telling you about.

Us girls get paid way less than the men for doing the same job for the same amount of hours.

And you think these signs'll sort it?

Well-- What's wombat power?

Oh, that's meant to say "womban," N, not a T. Oi, Sharon, finish your placard.

"It's time to get Eve."

Who's Eve, and why do we have to get her?

"Even."

"It's time to get Eve."

OK. Everybody, remember, if you're doing a slogan, leave enough space for all of the words to fit, yeah?

Stop picking holes in my placards, you.

Hey, you can't take these into work.

Old Miss Sykesy'll blow a ruddy gasket.

"Old Miss Sykesy" is the Union Rep. Cocking hell!

Sorry, Miss Sykes.

Don't be.

We could do with more gobby girls like you on our side.

I never had you pegged as a union type, Miss Sykes.

Neither would I, but one day, I realized that all the men I started out with in the stockroom owned their own houses and drove flashy cars, and every summer, they holidayed in Majorca.

I rent a shitty bedsitting room, travel by bus, and holiday one weekend a year in Margate with my mother.

I have been passed over and paid less for 30 years, so, yes, I think it's time to get a little bit fighty, don't you?

Yes.

I once saw Clive's pay cheque.

He got double what I got, but I just thought I was lucky to be there.

Sykes: Well, come along.

Hold a placard with us.

We could do with bringing a little publicity and glamor to the cause.

I can't.

I'm sorry.

Sykes: Oh, Linda, your placard's coming apart.

Diane!

Where have you been?

Been doing some research.

Oh, never mind that.

You should be writing about this.

Ohh, where have all the eggs gone?

I'm starving.

Sykes: Oh, I've taken the eggs for ammunition, dear.

If it all kicks off, I shall be aiming for a policeman's helmet.

Sophie: Oh, my God!

I think we need a bit of peace and quiet.

Alright, everyone, sorry, can we pack up and that?

Beg your pardon, Miss Sykes.

Sir.

Don't apologize, Marjorie.

We really appreciate you helping the cause.

Oh, what's this?

Research.

Found out where your mum works.

♪ [Door closes] ♪ [Door opens] [Door closes] June: Hello, you.

Oh.

You alright?

Yeah.

Work was the usual.

They loved all my illustrations for the book... Oh, that's great.

then told me to completely change them.

Oh.

Baby's a bit kicky.

Uh, what--what baby?

[Both chuckle] Come here.

Mwah.

Ohh, oh, oh, my.

Hmm.

Oh, don't--don't read that.

It's shit.

You always say that about the first draft.

First draft?

I haven't even finished the first page.

I keep thinking about that wanky "pram in the hall" quote.

God, what was that?

"There's no more somber enemy of good art."

I don't know who I am if I can't write.

What's the new show about?

Well-- Not our sex life again, I hope.

No... but Bill'd love that.

He's started needling me again.

[Lighter opens] [Click] [Lighter closes] Do you ever wish you were Bill?

What?

No.

No, it's OK.

I know you still think about it.

Hey, I think about other men, too.

What?

What?

Really?

Fuck.

Fuck!

Should--should we talk about this, or-- I don't know.

I don't want to be Bill, alright, but, you know, it's not simple, and I hate how everyone assumes that having a baby solves everything.

I'm still absolutely terrified.

Oh, God, me, too.

Oh... June, if we're like this now, what are we gonna be like when the baby arrives and there really is a massive pram in the hall?

We will move the pram to the kitchen.

Uh... Are we--are we just a couple of freaks?

Ha ha!

Hell yeah.

Ha ha ha!

♪ [Train whistle blows] There we are again.

♪ Rod Argent: ♪ Should I try to hide ♪ ♪ The way I feel inside ♪ ♪ My heart for you?

♪ George: Go on, give us a smile, love.

Argent: ♪ Would you say that you... ♪ George: Cheeky!

Come on.

Argent: ♪ Would try to love me, too?

♪ ♪ In your mind, could you ever be ♪ ♪ Really close to me?

♪ ♪ I can tell the way you smile ♪ ♪ If I feel that I could be certain ♪ ♪ Then I would say the things I want to say tonight ♪ [Joe Loss and his Orchestra's "April in Portugal" playing] ♪ Gloria: How'd you find me?

Sophie: Well, the only thing I knew about you-- ballroom dancing.

Me friend Diane did the rest.

I suppose there are a few trophies with my name on it, couple of pieces in the papers, but they don't give first prize to home breakers, so that was the end of that.

Well, I'm sorry you never got your happy-ever-after after all.

Gave up on happy a long time ago.

♪ So these letters you wrote when I was just a kid, what did they say?

♪ Nothing.

It's... ♪ silly stuff.

But if it were just silly stuff, why didn't me dad let me see them?

He had nothing to hide.

I don't understand-- I've got cleaning to do.

♪ One time I wrote to you about a butterfly that landed right in the palm of me hand, and you loved butterflies, so-- so I told it to fly all the way to Blackpool... ♪ and give you a kiss from me.

♪ [Inhales] [Sighs] ♪ Oh... ♪ [Eileen's "These Boots Are Made for Walking" playing] Eileen: ♪ These boots are made for walking ♪ ♪ And that's just what they'll do ♪ ♪ One of these days, these boots are gonna walk all over you ♪ Sykes: Friends, fellow workers, women, I stand here today not as your mighty leader, as some have dubbed me, but as your humble representative.

[Applause] In 1964, Harold Wilson puffed on his pongy pipe and made promises to us working women.

He lured us in, and it won him the election.

As soon as he entered Number 10, he pulled out and abandoned us, typical man.

Our bosses must give us equal pay, and I say to you, our loyal supporters... [High soprano voice] ♪ We shall overcome ♪ Diane: Oh, God, she's like Eva Peron.

Skyes: ♪ We shall overcome someday ♪ Yeah, or Minnie Mouse maybe.

Join in.

Women: ♪ Deep in my heart ♪ ♪ I do believe... ♪ Marj: Hey, did you see how much Irene had stuck on her sign?

"A" for effort... She was trying, she was trying.

not great on execution.

I'll have a word.

Oh, you'll have a word, will you?

Hi.

Hey, come and have a beer.

We're celebrating.

Nah, I'm alright, thanks.

I'm gonna make a cup of Bovril in a bit.

Does anyone want one?

Marj: Well, that's it, everyone.

The very real Sophie Straw prefers Bovril to beer.

Eileen: ♪ When you ought to be a-changing... ♪ I've had a long day, bit strange.

Yeah.

We've had a mad one, as well, haven't we, girls?

We got a mention in the paper for the picket.

Now, there's no actual picture, but it's still great that they're noticing us.

♪ Da da da da ♪ Oh, that's great.

Well done.

[Indistinct conversation] She's probably just tired or something.

She is fine, thank you.

Ohh...fine.

Eileen: ♪ That you'll never get burnt ♪ Ha!

Sophie: Ah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, alright, don't make a big song and dance about it.

Make up your mind.

Eileen: ♪ You ain't had time to learn... ♪ Oh... Marj: Can you not embarrass me in front of my friends, please?

I'm sorry if I'm embarrassing you in me own flat.

My flat, actually.

Are you that put out by the fact that I am in the papers?

You can't stand anybody else having the limelight?

If that's what you think of me, then you don't know me.

Yeah, well, you only know the me that you want me to be, don't you, your little friend Marjorie.

That's not fair!

I said, "Well done."

You haven't even asked me how I am or where I've been.

Oh, showbiz party, was it, photo shoot for Vogue?

Roger: Ladies, ladies, maybe we could calm it down a bit, yeah?

Thank you, Roger, I think we're capable of having a conversation without a man telling us how to do it.

Marj: Hey!

Don't have a go at Rog.

He's only trying to help.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

Everything!

I just want a bit of bloody privacy.

Oh, right, well, yesterday you wanted to be Lucille Ball.

Today it's Greta Garbo.

Stupid placards everywhere.

Ohh... Ah.

Oh... Ritchie Valens: ♪ You're mine... ♪ Oh, she'll be fine tomorrow.

Hey, you say that, but you don't know what she's like.

Some nights, it just might go on-- Valens: ♪ To me ♪ ♪ Yes, they belong to only me ♪ ♪ For eternity ♪ ♪ ♪ You're my, my baby... ♪ [Car horns honking] Oh... Valens: ♪ You'll always, always be mine ♪ ♪ You're mine, and... ♪ Hello?

Pandy, can I stop here for a bit?

Oh, oh.

Oh, bung.

♪ [The Troggs' "Lost Girl" playing] ♪ Reg Presley: ♪ The times we had ♪ ♪ The times we spent ♪ ♪ The day we met ♪ ♪ By accident ♪ ♪ Was easy come ♪ ♪ Was easy go ♪ ♪ It seems a pity ♪ ♪ 'Cause I loved you so ♪ ♪ Yes, I did ♪ ♪ Ah, yes, I did, now... ♪ [Knocks on door] Hats off for rising to the challenge, Mahindra.

Many wouldn't.

I look forward to it.

Vernon will give you a short briefing.

Rather tautological.

Obviously it's short.

It's a briefing.

[Clears throat] You can have that for one of your comedy scripts.

Right, so just a reminder of protocol, we're live on air, so be mindful of anything that might be slanderous, and do, of course, keep it clean, chaps.

Right, well, I'm... needed in the control booth, so I'll... leave you men to it.

See you out there.

New suit?

Mm.

Hmm.

Yes, a shame we're in black-and-white.

[Clears throat] ♪ Right.

[Burps] Mm, sorry, nervous burps.

Don't you worry.

Den'll be fine.

I gave him a bunch of jokes to use.

Oh, just nob gags, ideal for an intellectual discussion program.

Mm.

Announcer: Coming up this evening, late-night discussion on Pipe Smoke with Vernon Whitfield , taking a closer look at situation comedy.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Edith: Gentlemen, please take your places.

Man: Clear the floor please.

Thank you.

Going live in five, four, three... ♪ Ah!

It's starting.

Vernon: Modern situation comedy-- inane, infantile, imbecilic.

These are just some of the charges.. Oh, now I've got hiccups.

[Burps] Sophie: Oh, budge up, lads.

Oh... Shush, you two.

It's starting.

Uh... What?

I'm part of the team.

[Burps] Tonight, I shall be examining these assertions on Pipe Smoke.

Here we go.

♪ Hello, Reverend, sir.

Good evening.

Professor, eh?

♪ I shall enjoy this, Mahindra.

I've screwed your wife, and now I'm going to screw you.

♪ My guests tonight-- Light Entertainment comedy producer Dennis Mahindra.

Den looks like he's sat on a spike.

Has he swallowed a wasp?

Great suit, though.

Looks OK. Come on, Den.

Vernon: ...what some would consider a far lesser art form than, say, theatre.

I'm curious, what drew you to the situation comedy genre?

Well, I-- If indeed we may class it as a genre.

[Chuckles] Well, I-- Vernon: Would you care to expand on that for our viewers?

Oh, come on, Dennis.

Clearly not.

Turning to you, Professor Lomax.

Professor... Come on, Den.

Get your balls back in the game!

Lomax: Well, Shakespeare was a genius, and frankly any attempt to compare his work with the work of my friend here's situation comedy is quite frankly absurd.

Bishop: If I may say... Come on.

Come on, Dennis.

Bishop: the language that you and your comedy chaps use is gratuitous.

I'm rather surprised to see, Mr. Mahindra, you've so little to say in defense of your work.

Oh, I can't look.

Vernon: I'd suggest that all situation comedy is indicative of an overall decline in general standards-- outlandish fashion, licentious music, from the likes of the Rolling Stones and now...

When's Vernon Whitfart ever seen the Rolling Stones?

You rude fuck!

...designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator.

Lomax: With sitcom being at the bottom of the heap.

Come on, Dennis, he's a bully.

I don't agree.

Vernon: I'm afraid you've rather muffed the opportunity to mount a case for the defense, Mr. Mahindra.

Bishop: Hear hear.

Wouldn't you say, gentlemen?

Vernon: Well, that settles that.

Well, not quite.

Tony: I can't look.

Dennis: If you'd let me answer the question, I would certainly argue that comedies such as Steptoe and Son, The Likely Lads, and Jim & Barbara, they create a much-needed space for working class representation.

Vernon: Ah, "Panem et circenses," as the Romans said.

"Keep the masses happy with bread and circuses."

Marj: Oh, my Christ, that Vernon's so far up his own bum hole he's coming out of his own mouth.

Dennis: Yes, if we take a show like Till Death Us Do Part, now, you see, that gives us the character of Alf Garnett, you know, a misguided soul railing against modern Britain like a sort of contemporary King Lear.

Shall we all just refresh our memories with a clip from one of Mr. Mahindra's situation comedy episodes?

♪ Oh!

Oh!

Oh, no!

Oh!

Ah.

Ah.

What's all this racket?

Jim!

I've done it.

I fixed the pipes.

Jim: Oh, darling, well done, but, you know, you could've just turned off all the water with this.

Ohh... Waah!

Oh!

Oh!

Vernon: Oh, dear.

Well, I'm afraid that rather says it all, don't you think, Bishop?

Bishop: Morally bereft and utterly puerile, a corrupting influence on the youth of today.

Lomax: Well said, sir.

I fail to see any comparison between Shakespeare and that.

Frankly, all I can see on that screen is an idiotic young tart running around trying to flush a lavatory.

♪ Oh, now you've done it, Vernon.

You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

Here we go.

Dive, dive, dive.

Sophie Straw is an intelligent, instinctive, hugely charismatic comic performer of great technical ability, and I completely disagree... Oh, you do, do you?

with your base summarization of that scene, and so would the 20 million other people who watched that episode.

Vernon: Quantity be damned.

It's quality that counts.

Clearly you never paid attention at Cambridge University when they taught you about Aristotle's poetics.

See, this is what television comedy can do best.

Vernon: Oh, it does, does it?

Dennis: Yes.

It can cut through all of this pomposity.

Vernon: Pomposity?

Pomposity?

Dennis: Yes, it is pomposity.

That's exactly what it is.

Go on.

There you go.

Dennis: Sophie and the stories that we're trying to tell, that's the future, gentlemen.

Vernon: The future!

Well, that's not a future I want to be part of.

You can't stand in the way of progress.

Vernon: I'm sor-- Progress, no.

All this is, all this filth is, is a scatological cartoon, but according to you, as long as the great unwashed are laughing, it's perfectly alright.

Dennis: I think I see what's happening here.

Oh, you do, do you?

Go on, both barrels.

You and your cronies... Vernon: Cronies?

you feel that comedy belongs to you, and, of course, it doesn't belong to you, does it?

It doesn't belong to me.

It belongs to everybody, and it has the power to challenge the establishment and certainly that does provoke a sort of criticism from dinosaurs such as yourself.

Vernon: You wouldn't be happy until you saw somebody on the television taking an actual, big, fucking, steaming shit!

[Gasps] [Tone] Oh... [Tone continues] [Indistinct conversation] Well, someone didn't read the green book.

Vernon Fuckfield.

[Tone continues] [Tone stops] Announcer: Due to technical difficulties, the current program...

He's broken television.

Announcer: ...has been interrupted, for which, of course, we apologize.

In the meantime, we have the pleasure of showing you a program about basket weaving.

[Microphone feedback] Oh... Narrator: [Indistinct] Edith: Looking for something?

I hope you're pleased with yourself.

Vernon's on the phone to the Director General.

You got the show shut down.

Well, I think Vernon did a good job of that all by himself.

Actually, watching you was sort of thrilling.

You were positively gladiatorial.

Made me rather wish you'd fought that hard over me.

[Panting] [Gasps] [Dionne Warwick's "Walk On By" playing] Edith: Actually, it was damned sexy.

♪ Warwick: ♪ If you see me walking down the street ♪ ♪ And I start to cry each time we meet ♪ ♪ Walk on by ♪ ♪ ♪ Walk on by ♪ ♪ Make believe ♪ ♪ That you don't see the tears, just let me grieve ♪ ♪ In private 'cause each time I see you ♪ ♪ I break down and cry... ♪ [Film projector whirring] [Fabienne Delsol's "Laise tomber les filles" playing] Delsol: ♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪ ♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪ ♪ Un jour c'est toi qu'on laissera ♪ ♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪ ♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪ ♪ Un jour c'est toi qui pleureras ♪ ♪ Oui j'ai pleuré mais ce jour-là ♪ ♪ Non je ne pleurerai pas ♪ ♪ Non je ne pleurerai pas ♪ ♪ Je dirai c'est bien... ♪ [Speaking French] Delsol: ♪ Je dirai ça t'apprendra ♪ ♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪ ♪ Laisse tomber les filles ♪ ♪ ♪